While that idiot Donald Trump wastes America’s time by improving the economy, eliminating joblessness and realigning our foreign relations for the 21st Century, Democrats are bravely fighting the truly important battles of our day.
Freshman Congresswoman Alexandria Occasional-Cortex, for instance, is striving to keep the climate from changing, a battle she says is to our generation what World War II was to real people. As in World War II 18-year-old boys charged off troop ships into withering machine gun fire, so today, 18-year-old boys wearing skirts and sporting man-buns scream hysterically at old men in coffee shops for wearing MAGA hats. As in World War II movie stars and directors left their careers to fly bombing raids over Germany, so today movie stars and directors sit around the Chateau Marmont in West Hollywood and talk about how stupid Republicans are not to see the looming threat when everyone who’s anyone knows that if things get any worse, they’ll all have to take their private jets to Geneva just to escape this dreadful, dreadful heat. And, as in World War II, politicians risked their reputations to stand against an evil philosophy, so today activists shake their fists at the sun for being so bright you can hardly stand it.
Likewise, as once Americans dared nuclear disaster to stand up to the enslaving threat of socialism, so today, Democrats dare economic collapse to bring about the enslaving threat of socialism. So that even has some of the same words in it.
And as once, Americans of all races marched despite violent opposition to end segregation and Jim Crow, so today, Democrats of all sexes call people names if they won’t agree that a guy in a dress is really a woman.
And finally, as once Americans conquered space and landed on the moon, so today, Democrats have begun the great project of complaining about every little thing which is kind of like going to the moon in that both glorify our nation except for the complaining.
Whatevs. Onward, courageous Democrats.
— Andrew Klavan @ANDREWKLAVAN